a strange hunger haunted me
i am back from time with friends, and i find myself thinking. sometimes i think there are only a couple feelings and thoughts im capable of experiencing, and as i get older ill only ever find new ways to express those same things. like im a bottle full of oil and water. i feel so lonely sometimes. walking with friends, trying to make people laugh, trying to make myself have a good time, sometimes it feels like im trying to match a puzzle piece that just wont fit. i thought my boyfriend would do this for me. i cant really reconcile the two. i cant reconcile myself. why do i write in here? i actually paused my game to write this.
do i think my thoughts matter? i'm not even trying to be self-disparaging right now, i just genuinely wonder why i write down my thoughts at all. in mary magdalene twigs refers to herself as a creature of desire and i relate in the sense that i am always wanting. what do you call that? ungrateful?
i want to go to sleep, ive been wanting to be asleep more lately. i am always wanting. its sometimes different things, but its also always the same thing. i am always wanting and wanting and wanting, i want something different, and i dont think of myself very highly when faced with even a bit of resistance. i dont think i think low of myself per se, but i compare myself and my life to others a lot, and ill do it to anyone who has it better than me in any aspect. ill be envious of others for having things i dont even want. i sometimes wish i could be better looking, have more financial freedom, be someone that can be loved. i want to be loveable in a loveable way, not in an acquired taste way, you know? it must be some sort of karmic punishment to have become the type of person that is envious over others over small, irrelevant things. i think such evil and awful thoughts sometimes. i want to eat food i dont need when im not hungry, i want to be loved by people around me for no reason, i want to dye my hair a different color, i want to be closer with my boyfriend, i want to get a phd, i want to learn how to make a game, i want to say things that im proud of, i want to look back at things i did and find meaning and pride in it, i want to be liked by most people, i want to be skinnier but eat more, i want filler, i want hair extensions, i want people to want to have me in their lives, i want to be happy and independent, and i want to be in the city with friends. i want to be liked. i think such pathetic things sometimes.
i wonder why things cant come to me as easily as they seem to come to others. other people dont have to reconcile things all the time like i do. i dont really want to live my life being envious of others and always comparing myself to them. i usually dont, but thats because i actually do not get up close and personal with the lives of a lot of people. i may not have many friends, i prefer to not really think about it. i feel so lonely sometimes. i have plenty of people who love me, so that is strange.
its the first day of a new year. maybe i should include that in my thought process for a bit of a positive spin. maybe this year i can be better with this. and i can go to the gym, go on a calorie deficit even though it takes all the fun out of life, talk to more people/be more likeable somehow??, avoid thinking everyone is a loser/avoiding conversations with most people, talk to my professors more, (back to the calorie deficit, i want to drop at least 15 lb, i hate when i speak like this but it might make me like myself more), stop picking at my skin, get a better job & work more hours, and probably more stuff im not thinking of... i sound like a 16 year old these are the new years resolutions of a 16 year old.