aaaaaaahhhhh
im so frustrated. i barely had any food and im now hungry but i cant go home to eat yet and theres nothing open on campus. i don't want to be fat and eat uni garbage slop anyway but im hungry and frustrated. my class was pissing me off. all the discussion questions all had glaringly obvious answers and when its like that, what am i supposed to say? i have nothing to say. ive never considered a different type of life for myself. thats kind of strange because ive seen different ways people live. i never considered those for myself, because the path i knew i was going to take seemed better. i have a life full of work ahead of me. i can choose what kind of work but even then i dont have full choice because everyone else with my degree is competing for the same position. i dont want to learn how to manage finances or learn how credit scores work. im frustrated thinking about how i will have to learn and learn to survive with money. it seems so scary. why do i have to do this? why is there not a choice? i just have to get a job and work and work to pay off debt and mortgage and for kids or whatever?? thats another thing, why would anyone choose to have kids in this world? who knows if ill ever be able to own a house, how will i secure any kind of future for kids?? im just frustrated. it feels like all ive ever seen is people sitting and complaining and talking about capitalism and all of its evils but nothing ever happens. my life has been short, these things take time, sure, but i dont want to live this kind of life. i can see it clearly, and i dont want it, but im not given an option. what else am i supposed to do? ive grown up in an extremely luxurious environment. my whole life ive had a stable roof over my head, ive always had food, ive always had hot water, ive always loved blankets and loved tv. ive loved sitting in my house doing nothing. it was easier to enjoy that when i didnt have to work for those things. i will have to work for those things. i dont want to. i dont want to spend the rest of my life getting up at the same hour going to bed at the same hour going to one place doing the same thing in different formulations every single day just to go back home and spend what little free time i have laying under a blanket and watching tv. i dont want to work, even the idea of it makes me so mad. i guess i work now, but it feels fine, because i barely do anything. i dont want to do real work. i dotn want to get this education im passionate about just to go work for a company that just makes rich people even more money, and have what little i get to keep go to dumb things, make other people even more money. i dont want to live like this, and i dont like that people have to live like this. theres no humanity in this. this doesnt make sense as an image of a prospering human society. i can do work i like, i can do things i find meaningful but at the end of the day im just a tiny worker wasting my own life to make rich people even richer. they want me to waste my life. they want everyone to waste their lives working. there can be more to life than work, but work is all my life is going to be. constantly worried, constantly scared, constantly trying to just make more money. its hard to feel a real need to be driven in this world. even the voice inside me that says you can beat the system you can be the more advantaged person you can make money and be comfortable feels like its lying to me. im just going to work and work until i die. and then i will be told that life isnt just work and that i should have hobbies or find meaning outside of it. but most of my life will be spent working. GAH.