clear to follow through
i was thinking about something else recently regarding my academic skills. i got really good feedback on an essay i thought i was going to do horrible on. that has happened to me so many times! the opposite has too... im not at all a good judge of my work. its hard to be. its very hard to get people to care about what i wrote. i guess thats expected. i told my parents i got really good feedback, my ta said my writing was like that of a fourth year student, it was huge for me. i sent my mom my essay and she didn't read it. this stuff is hard to get people to read about. my essay was about aristotle's de anima. i told my boyfriend i got really good feedback, he said he was proud of me, i wanted him to ask to see it, he didn't. if i had a friend who was in my program or was interested in somewhat similar things i could have made them read it, but i dont have friends like that. i barely have any. i guess that made me feel a little sad. everything is making me a little sad these days. im very little sad prone. i should be studying right now, but there is something so addicting about getting to spill your guts out. there is so much i want to do. i dont know what all of those things are. i should network with my professors more. i really liked one of my professors this semester, im gonna email him after grades are out. ugh, winter break is soon. i dont like breaks. its not because i like school too much or anything, but i dont like having that much free time. my mind does not do well with free time. the summer was brutal. i was really anxious, for no apparent reason. im trying to get more used to talking to myself, talking with myself, like inwards talking. ive realized im really scared of it. i always have something in the background to stop myself from thinking about anything. i dont know if that necessarily a bad thing. maybe thats just how anxious people are supposed to live. ive been finding more meaning and happiness in what i do at school. i like philosophy. i think its important. i try not to think about after school, looking for a job, graduate school, none of that. i should join an essay competition. i bet they still have those. i thought once i started typing here i would be talking about really deep thoughts that i was dying to get out but im writing in here as if im talking to a friend. i need a friend. at least one thing i can say i have learned from being 18 is that a boyfriend can't be your only friend. i really want a friend. maybe ill write more about the troubles of your boyfriend being your only friend later. it feels pretty pathetic. its cute in a way, but it doesn't feel great. my boyfriend doesn't care. i mean i dont think he cares about it as much as i do. im a more social person though. i like being in school. i should eat, then study.