here i am, waiting to hold you
those lines devastate me. ive been sad for the whole of this winter, but it feels like a lifetime. i knew from about 4 pm on today, that i would have to cry the way i am right now. sobbing, curling up, muscles spasming, head throbbing, and all. maybe i knew earlier, maybe i knew yesterday at the bus stop, maybe i knew this morning. my head hurts. im imagining the blood vessels in my brain engorged with blood, the ones behind my eyes too, just almost bursting with pressure. did i dream you dreamt about me? you can tell someone every thought that crosses your mind, tell them about every moment that has left a mark on you, but still not be able to connect with them. being dishonest with yourself, or not knowing yourself, will prevent you, always and always, from ever being able to truly connect with people. soon enough, you will realize the person the one in front of you loves is not you. maybe there is no you. its funny how, in an attempt to be loved, you can end up making people love someone who is not you. what are you left with then? you are back to square one; you are not truly loved. somebody else who you have allowed to live in your body is loved, and it feels nice, sometimes, but it is not you. isnt it so lonely how little we can truly connect with others? someone can be waiting for you, with open arms, and all you feel is hatred. hatred for yourself for letting them believe the delusion you live in everyday, hatred for them for believing you. hatred for the way you were created, whether by god, or your parents, hatred for whatever made you so alien to everyone else, and whatever made you feel so fundamentally disconnected from any other human being. hatred at your cowardice, hatred for the person you have deluded everyone into believing is you. hatred for the person you pretend to be everyday, hatred for everyone else around you for not doing something sooner, hatred for the undeserved kindness you have received from people and the world your entire life. there is a deep rooted, unreachable, unmoving hatred in you that burns so passionately it doesnt know where to direct itself. it directs itself at you, it directs itself at others, the ones you most love, the people going by about their days, friends, strangers, anybody who is unlucky enough to come across your harsh, unforgiving gaze. there is no need to smile. there is nothing to smile about. such a deep hatred burns inside you, and there is no putting it out. someone put it in there, maybe you did, but it doesnt matter now, because it cannot be put out. one day, i believe, it will burn you alive. the vile person that you are, you can only beg for someone to notice it, then beg for them ignore it, fight it even, for as long as possible. look at me wallowing in my self-pity. tomorrow is a new day, but i will be the same. its a daunting thought.