last night i saw a dream so vivid
i was looking forward to something since yesterday at around 1 pm. i have been thinking about it, and when i was not actively thinking about it, it still lingered in the back of my mind. i scheduled an appointment to talk to a prof of mine about a reading we had had this week. i liked the reading, i liked it more than i tend to like things i read. i wrote questions, possibly overcomplicated them, but it all made me so excited. i have recently come to appreciate the value of pouring over understanding something. its quite exciting, and gives me something to look forward to. going in i was nervous but somewhat assured that the time i had spent thinking about the material would produce somewhat fruitful or at the very least interesting conversation. as i began to speak i realized, or was brought to the realization by him, that my questions or thoughts were not all that interesting or conducive to deeper understanding of the material. i felt such strong emotions, and i wanted to talk about it, i felt i had to write about it.
i dont know what it was specifically, but when i walked into the room there was a familiar scent. when i thought about the scent as i was in the room it made me think of this hair salon my mom would take me to back home. the room smelled like some sort of hair product, slightly masculine but overall mostly nongendered, not because it was unisex but because i suppose in my head that scent was the scent of a space, not a person. i wonder if it was a sort of hair product he used, or whether the room just smelled like that. i could still smell the scent on my way to the bus stop, on the bus, and back home. i smelled my own hair and clothes to see if it was me but it was not. it must have been him or the room.
i was extremely disappointed after the meeting. i had been looking forward to it because id confirmed the meeting yesterday, but id technically been thinking about this meeting for over a week. i wanted to go in and talk to him at the start of last week. i held off on scheduling an in person meeting so as to not come off as overly-demanding, and decided id hold the meeting this week. ive been living in the excitement of this hour long conversation for the past week and a half.
i was disappointed, and at once all of the reasons why came to me. i was a bit embarrassed by myself, not only because id been mistaken about how profound my questions and interpretation of the texts was, but because i realized how much i looked forward to that conversation, for selfish reasons.
i thought about how much it meant to me to be the type of person ive been molded to think is admirable. i am deeply insecure about my own intelligence. i think maybe that people who come from privileged households with parents involved with higher education have this problem, the problem of wanting very desperately to be intelligent. not just intelligent, but have curiosity about the world. it means so much to me to be intelligent. it means so much to me to ask questions. it means so much to me to understand things.
i think i struggle to truly think about things for myself. i am a good reader and a good studier of things, but i am not a thinker. i have for a while struggled with the fact that opinions on things especially in a class setting do not come to me easily. truly understanding a given text is so difficult for me that i often dont even get to the point of making up my own thoughts on something. i am trying to resist the urge to be cruel to myself about this, because that cannot be good practice, but i feel so lacking in this way. i struggle to think.
i do know that it is not that simple. i am not just incapable of thinking, it is that i choose not to, because i believe in the back of my mind i am deathly afraid of saying, even thinking, something stupid. i am so scared of not being intelligent, i am so scared of confronting the fact that i may not be a generational thinker, and that it is my own fault. most of the time i am semi-aware that i do not do the work required to develop the skills that will make me a competent thinker and writer. at the same time when i confront that fact it devastates me.
i think this deep insecurity about my own stupidity (real or not) makes me desperate for approval from those i think are smarter than me. i often have feelings that are somewhat too strong to have towards professors/instructors because i believe them to be smart and accessible to me. i am so desperate to talk to someone and have them take interest in what i say. i am so desperate to have someone indicate to me that they think i am intelligent, and that what i have to say is different from what everyone else has to say, and that the way i understand is deeper than the way everyone else understands. with these feelings, and desperate need for approval, i am often compelled to entertain thoughts of these people approving of me in ways that are not just about my intelligence. i want them to think that i am funny and charming, that i am pretty and that watching my face is enjoyable. more than that of course, i want them to think that i am attractive, at my prime and better looking than most people their age, both promising in my intelligence and at the peak of my beauty. i know these are not true feelings of attraction because these thoughts and urges occur indiscriminately. i look for signs that they think i am beautiful, they think that while i am very beautiful, what i say and question is even more fascinating, and that i have the type of intelligence that if everyone else also had the world would be in eternal peace. but i do not, maybe because that is not a realistic goal, and most definitely because i do not put in the effort. a part of me maybe waits for external approval before even attempting at effort. i think i have a combination of fear and insecurity, but mostly fear. i do not think i am stupid, but i am scared to be stupid. i am so deathly scared of being stupid because it is the worst thing to be in this world. to an extent this makes me feel lonely. i feel alone with my thoughts and i feel so desperate to talk to someone and have them entertain my ideas. i expect too much of people i fixate on like this, and i set myself up for disappointment.
i want to deal with this, and figure out what to do. i want to be intelligent, but not just to be admired, truly a part of me wants to know things about the world and know deeply. i like to read and i like to study things because it brings me peace. the constant striving for approval on my intelligence at times bars me from being able to truly pursue my curiosity. i want to want to know for the right reasons. i dont think ill ever get past wanting to be liked by people i respect either, since that seems natural, but i at least want to get to a point where it does not devastate me to feel that someone i respect is not enjoying being in my company. i need to make a conscious effort to distinguish between feelings of admiration and attraction, because this makes me feel even more scrambled. i need to not let perceived indifference to my ideas discourage me from thinking more. i need to not let the urge to impress and talk for just a second longer get in the way of pursuing what truly interests me. i experienced something so new the other day, i woke up and sat down to study and i was truly excited. i need to chase the feeling of curiosity instead of wanting so badly to be approved of and desired in some way. its all childish. i need to grow up.