lidded flames
i got up and grabbed my laptop and charger upstairs to write this. i just felt that urge. i really need to get something out. i feel kind of in pain right now, just overall. there is a cut on my thumb that wont stop bleeding. there's another one on my index finger on my other hand. my mom got new knives, im not used to how sharp they are. im hungry, im also bloated, and my face looks puffier than usual. it must be the salt. my back also hurts, because i went to the gym the other day, and i guess i did something that stimulated my back muscles. the ones at the top, around the shoulders, i don't know their names. anyway, i've been worried about my boyfriend leaving me. why? no reason. im just being like that. i keep asking him if he still loves me. he thinks im joking. i don't think i am. i understand him, i also wouldn't take me seriously, but it has been on my mind a lot recently. isn't it so cruel someone can just stop loving you one day? i've felt the same sort of fear with my parents, to a lesser degree. im not a child anymore, im an adult, i will be judged as an adult. what if they don't like me anymore? i've been worried. then i thought, so what? why do i need my boyfriend to love me? i can do without him. ive done without him before. i cant remember what it was like. in my head, he is inseparable from my understanding of myself. i guess thats not necessarily a bad thing. but he worries a lot, and he worries a lot about the future. i don't know what he has figured out, but im worried we are thinking about different things, and im worried we are doing it differently. so what is it? what am i really worried about, my boyfriend wanting something different in life or him leaving me? i guess both. both entails me being alone. i don't want to be alone. i want to be loved. who knows whether i can find someone else who will see me the way he does. im so scared. i hate to admit it, but i am. i don't know. i think im difficult. im difficult to love, im difficult to sympathize with, im difficult to reason with, im a difficult person. i know this, and i will do nothing. i really pull people down, if we're being brutally honest. not at first, but over time. sometimes i wish i could tell him that. but im selfish, and i wont, i want him to love me and stay with me. why cant difficult people be loved? do we not deserve love? i don't know. im worried. i think a lot of my emotions manifest as emotions directed towards m (m is referring to my boyfriend, im tired of typing out 'my boyfriend' every time). im worried about the future, im worried about my health, im worried about everything. i just want to crawl into his bed right now, and have him hold me, but i cant, and im so worried. i feel so distant sometimes. not just with m, with everyone, it feels like im talking to people through a glass door, they don't notice it, and sometimes i don't either. i get like this. it'll pass. i still cant help but try to 'figure it out' or find some meaning in it every time i feel this way. you know when someone talks to you, and you think, do you even know me? blegh. i hate writing. i wish my writing was better. im enough for myself, i think. im a good person, and i can entertain myself. still listening to love ridden. i've been listening to elliott smith a lot as well. sad winter music. its been warmer though. i hope that continues. i'll go to the gym tomorrow.