life is strange
I'm watching life is strange gameplay. The real game is too expensive, and it would be too time consuming to get all the way through. The music is good but a little depressing. I ate a lot today. I know I don't feel good about what I ate when I intentionally do not tell anyone exactly how much I ate and what. secretive. I don't know why I've been so hungry. I guess I do. I've been sad. I've given up a couple bad habits in the past 6 months. In the past 2 weeks, I quit one. It's been hard. We really do look forward to those little moments of joy throughout the day. it keeps you going. That's not necessarily always a good thing. hunger and food are special to me. When I'm in this state there’s truly no getting through to me. I'll want what I want and I'll throw a fit if I don't get it. that’s the thing though, sometimes it doesn’t even feel as if i have a choice not to overeat. my brain rejects the thought "stop". Then I see a pretty girl, and I'm reminded why I decided to try to stop all those other times. I might be very seriously mistaken or misguided about life, and what makes a good human. I saw this girl, she was so beautiful. She was so beautiful that I did not even feel jealousy, just awe at what it must feel like to be her and wake up looking like that every single day. how different life must be for her. my first thought was ah! read a book now! isn’t that strange? I wanted to read a book. I've had this feeling before. When I feel rejected or less than in some sort of way, I always think about what I can make of my mind. It's something I trust to always be able to improve. I fall back on my intelligence a lot. This girl is pretty but aren’tI so smart? what does it matter if someone is so much prettier than me, what does it matter if i wish people felt about me the way they felt about her? it's all in our minds. my body will rot (...so will hers. i don't want to revel in the thought of someone else's deteriorating body though). this one thing will always stay with me. my ability to understand the world around me will always stay with me. I am quite obsessed with intelligence. I'm not even that "intelligent" in the conventional sense. but I do think it is very valuable, and it is the one thing I constantly want assurance on, and it would be the one thing I'd want people to know me for. It's because my parents raised me this way. There's also a part of me that thinks this mental energy, introspection, constant thought, and 'work' will get me somewhere, and not just in the corporeal sense. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like my spirit sometimes recognizes things as important without me consciously noticing or being able to know why. I'm not a 'troubled' person, but I have thoughts that go nowhere. I have quite a bit of those actually. if i think enough, if i read enough, if i think about those things enough, if i just try hard enough, i'll be able to understand everything one day. everything will click into place, my pendulum swing vision will settle, creating one colorful, coherent picture. one where everything is distinguishable from the others. It will feel good. I have to keep trying though. it's hard to try, isn’t it? It's hard even to know what trying looks like. I believe the day where everything clicks will come to me. not soon, but it will. I know it in my gut. it just occurred to me that I may be a sensitive person. Could there be something out there trying to communicate with me? how would it even do that? i should do tarot cards again. my intentions with tarot readings get increasingly abstract. so much to say, so little words, so little time.