and things beyond me
over the past summer i went through a period of fluctuating interest in all things religion. i never actually read any books or anything, which im mad at myself for, but i listened to this guy who does academic "recaps" on religious topics, and i was influenced by the intro to religion course i took last year. religion has been weird to me. i often feel myself wanting to believe in something, and this feeling comes to me randomly, or i perceive it to be random, im sure theres a pattern though. i used to pray when i was a child, and id pray sat up on my bed at night, and id open my palms and close my eyes, and talk to god. id ask for health and safety, for me and my family, i remember doing it a lot when my dad was away. id pray for his safety, id pray for my own safety, and id thank god for the things he'd given me. i explicitly remember thanking god before requesting things because i didnt want to seem like i was only praying to get something out of it. i didnt grow up in a household that prioritized religion in any meaningful way, we were muslim but any person who commits to a more devoted and serious form of islam would find that claim funny. we didnt pray, at least not in the way youre supposed to, and my parents never really prayed on praying mats, which i know youre supposed to do. i never realized it when i was younger but my family practiced a very loose, somewhat spiritual version of islam. now that i think about it, i think we just prayed to allah, and our association with islam as the actual school of thought ended there. i stopped praying at night at some point, probably when i became a teenager. i remember the first time i said 'oh my fucking god' in my head for the first time, it was a big deal for me, because i thought saying a curse word and mentioning the name of god in the same sentence was bad. i was always an anxious person, even as a kid, so god was a source of comfort at first, then turned into anxiety as i grew older. and i guess at some point, i stopped thinking about it altogether. since then, i occasionally find myself wishing i believed in something. i think that is a pretty common experience, to want to believe in something bigger than yourself. there are a lot of ways to mend that void in yourself, a lot of people do it through meditation and a loose view of spirituality, with different lifestyles, with politics even, with their studies, with all sorts of things. i was listening to this discussion about love and sufism, and sufism has interested me since i heard about it in my class last year. it described the relationship with god and the subject in a way id never heard before, it sounded very intense, very devoted, very loving. this view appeals to me. i think in every-day religious settings, like talking to a religious leader in your community; your relationship with the divine feels very sanitized. theres an inherent intensity to your relationship with what you perceive to be your maker, your source, your home, that seems to be ignored for the sake of convenience. what intrigued me was that sufism seemed to center itself on this very feeling; the feeling that there was something missing in you, that you were taken from something, and that thing seems so beyond reach yet so close to you at every moment of your life that you cant make sense of it. its interesting to pose god as this figure someone longs for and wishes to return to, because when i think about it; that is where my longing for religion always comes from. its not that i want to believe in something, rather, i already do, and i dont know what that thing is, but there is something inside me desperately longing to find a way to it. it sounds really abstract, i know, but its hard to put these feelings into words. i agree with the idea that there is an innate awareness (or presence?) of god in all people. i dont remember being a child and not believing in god, and when i didnt believe, my inner world became consistently more incoherent. i want to pray, i want to return to something, i want to express my love towards something, but i feel cynical, and sometimes when i try to pray, i feel a bit embarrassed, because the thought that there is nothing out there listening to me is scary and makes me feel stupid. i dont know. if god is real and is to be worshipped i think it can only be a relationship based on devotional love and yearning. i wanted to come here and write today because i decided i will actually stick to this, because i have thoughts and i need to make something of them. i dont want to look back at these years of my life and realize i never acted upon my curiosity, and that all the questions that could have brought me new perspectives and an enlightened understanding of the world around me only ever remained questions. i want to learn something, i want to find something out, and i want to look at religion for it, but it has always seemed intimidating to me. and there are a lot of people who will put bad thoughts in your head under the guise of religion. ive seen that first hand. religion has to be a part of my life at some point, i believe. i have an urge to believe in something, and more importantly to understand something fully. i feel like love is a very interesting and unique feeling, and it has to be associated to some kind of divinity. doesnt it feel that way? to be overcome with so much love that you think it has to be a sort of spirit permeating your mind, temporarily raising you out of the physical world? i thought about my views of love, and how the way we separate love when we talk about it is really misleading. there is just love, there is no romantic love, there is no platonic love, there is no familial love, there is just the feeling of pure love, and those labels just point to the people you are feeling love for. there is no different experience of love, all love is is the same feeling, expression is peripheral. i always tell my boyfriend that he sees me and loves me the way my parents do, and that might sound weird, but its true. ultimately, if people know you intimately enough, the love you receive will all look the same. i dont know. these are just rambles. i just really wanted to write, and i'm going to try not to think about how dissatisfied i am with my ability to interpret my own feelings and put them into words. its like i dont understand what im feeling, and trying to write it out helps, but its annoying. i think learning a different language might help. the way we see the world and ourselves really depends on our language. anyways, i hope i can say better things tomorrow, or whenever i write next time. i really want to make something out of my thoughts. maybe not something great, but just something, and know that i tried.