night time thoughts
i should see someone about my medication. i feel anxious. i get a small voice in my head telling me im about to go crazy from time to time. same thing happened last year. i should get it together. something about thinking about myself is so scary, but it also seems to be the only thing i can do these days. its scary. im scared of going into my own mind, i think. i get anxiety dreams. i feel a bit dissociative. its exams. or is it? my brains going through constant questioning, whether something is seriously wrong with me, or if its all in my head and im okay, and ill be okay, and this will pass and ill forget about it until it happens again. i feel like i should think, i should think more, i should put it into words, but i feel lost. i dont know what to say, i feel like i dont know who i am and its scaring me. there might be something in my head, something begging for me to give it attention but i dont, i muffle it out every chance i get. ive been feeling everything i hate about myself, i feel envious, i feel bitter, i feel ungrateful, i feel stupid. i feel like i dont love people enough, and im not normal, and i cant feel anything real. i feel disoriented. i feel like i should go to sleep, and wake up, and ill feel okay. its must be brain fog. or something. im sitting here writing everything down, and ive been writing things down for the past 3 days. for what? what am i discovering? what comfort does this bring me? i feel so alien from myself and my own mind. what have i been doing? whats going on? how did i even get here? the more i write the more i realize i dont understand myself. its like my mind has been growing beside me and i have not looked at it in so long i didnt realize what it became. this feels like nonsense. i will wake up tomorrow, and ill feel better, and ill feel like a whole unified being again.