seeing yourself everywhere
i have been watching the curse for the past week. i dont remember when i started it. i binge watched a couple episodes for 2 days, and then i stopped because it was weird and intense. ive had exams, so i dont know, i was overwhelmed. i decided to watch it because i like nathan fielder and i liked nathan for you and i liked the rehearsal, but less so, because it made me uncomfortable. anyways, i finished the curse just now, and i wanted to write about some things that i couldn't get out of my head while i was watching it. well, first off, it reminded me of the comeback, which is one of my all time favorite shows, so there's that. i think im predisposed to liking mockumentary fake-reality show type stuff. the whole time i was watching the curse, i just felt uncomfortable with some of the things it made me think about. i could see myself and my life, my relationship dynamics reflected in the characters. so nathan fielder's character asher is this insecure guy, and my main takeaway for his character is that he hates himself, and does not respect himself, or something along those lines. and then theres his wife, who does not respect him either, at least not in the way or at the times shes supposed to, and he takes it, which makes her respect him even less. theres a weird tension about the way they see each other, the way they see themselves through each other that seemed very weirdly reminiscent of my own relationship. my current relationship is my first ever real relationship, though ive been involved in romantic situations with people, i guess you could say. ive noticed this a lot with myself, where i start to have a bit of disdain towards people im romantically involved with after a while, especially if they show too much commitment towards me. i know that sounds awful and i dont like it, i just dont know where that feeling comes from. with my boyfriend now ive managed to avoid that feeling coming along too often, but i have felt it. its weird, having someone adore you and love you so unconditionally that they are willing to look past every nasty thing about you should be what i want, but my feelings never say that. its like when someone feels too committed, too into me, i lose a bit of respect for them. i havent seen people talk about this a whole lot.as uncomfortable as it feels to actually spell it out, theres a disdain that i feel towards people who love me too much. ive thought about this a lot before with a previous experience i had with a person. i would be quite nasty to this person, downright mean, and id blame it on my own lack of self esteem. id say, i hate myself, so if you treat me better than i think i deserve to be treated, i see you as even worse than me, so i treat you badly. i guess this made sense to me at the time because i was in my early teens and was comfortable with openly hating myself. i was also melodramatic, but thats still true. anyways, that thought made sense to me at the time. that i could feel disdain towards people who treated me nicely because deep down i believed i didnt deserve it, no matter how much i sought out love, it would always make me lose respect for the person in front of me when i actually received it. i think in a way, i also thought this redeemed me. i wasnt being mean and nasty to someone who loved me because i was a sadistic brat, i was being that way because id developed a profound sense of hatred towards myself throughout my own life. so really, i was just as much of a victim, and if not a victim; i was complex, and i wasnt just this mean person. so my harsh words, no matter how much i looked this person in the eyes when they came out of my mouth, were always directed at me. i thought about that situation a lot after it happened. i never saw myself as a perpetrator, or a mean person, or even someone who brought in any kind of negativity to the lives of those around me. as time passed i distanced myself from that idea, because it seemed stupid and self-absorbed. no matter how much you hate yourself, people dont like being treated badly, especially by the ones they love. i guess i hadnt realized at that point that people didnt just become abusive or mean because they just were that way, they also hated themselves, or something, or were fighting against something. anyways, the point is i realized even if i did treat someone who loved me like shit because of my own issues that did not make it okay. with my boyfriend now, ive had a couple moments where he has been very affectionate with me, which i usually enjoy, but in those moments all i wanted was for him to stop, for him to stop talking, for him to get away from me. where did that come from? i think theres truth in the fact that having someone love you so unconditionally when you dont respect or love yourself very much can make you hostile towards that person. i guess i started to write this but i dont know what to say, because my thoughts end there. sometimes when someone loves me too much, it makes me lose respect for them, and makes me not want to be around them, because i hate myself. the one thing that i can say im better at now is keeping those weird feelings to myself when they come about. having consideration for others is something that develops with age, i guess. i think self-hate has become something very abstract and hard to pin down for me over the last couple years. i had a conversation about hating myself with a friend earlier this year, and even as i told them i hated myself, i said those exact words to them, neither me nor my friend believed it. i dont hate myself, because i think in some ways im more selfish than the average person, but i also dont treat myself or view myself very nicely. everyone has these moments where they wish they were literally anybody else, whether its in terms of physical appearance, personality, or general life circumstances. but theres something deeper, a more intense relationship you can develop with yourself that goes beyond occasionally wanting to be different. self-hate as i think about it now is paradoxical. i dont know if people can truly hate themselves. i dont know if ive ever truly hated myself. i think im a little narcissistic. when i write these, i go into it very optimistically, but as i work my thoughts more im confronted face to face with how much i dont understand about myself. as i write these down, theres this looming discomfort with the fact that every single idea and word i write down here is not going to resonate with me in a couple years, even less so as i grow even older. theres so much i dont understand, theres so much i simply have not learned or found out yet, and that is kind of scary. anyways, i guess the curse made me think about these things. i saw a bit of my own relationship in ash and whitneys relationship, and it made me scared, so i came here to write it down. im trying to get in the habit of thinking about things that scare me. i guess this was that.