some other town, someone else's life
i was reading about that guy that killed those 4 students in idaho. its so terrifying what people are capable of, and what can happen to people. i think its interesting whenever people like this guy are being discussed widely. on the one hand, i absolutely hate this type of person. i think some people dont belong on this earth. that is not a value-judgement: its a disruption for them to exist right now, in this specific time and place. men who commit violence against women as some attempt at revenge for being rejected by women their whole lives. or people who commit acts of mass violence. these people are always rightly torn to shreds in the public sphere, no one likes them, no one wants them around, and no one thinks they belong here with the rest of us. i hate those people. at the same time, i think about whether as a society we purposefully avoid having a discussion of our own roles in these types of events. its generally lonely to be a person who fails to resemble a neurotypical, appropriately socialized human. i know this, and i like to think most people do, or at least realize at some point in their lives. i also think most people experience being the strange lonely person. you tend to have something like this occur to you in elementary school. i remember even first grade had cliques. there are people like you, and there are those you are different from. there are people who dont have anybody like them in their given vicinity. at some point, you must realize you're not totally unique. that at some point, there will be people like you, that you will fit in with, and be able to bond with. is this where some go wrong? instead of focusing on oneself, this person decides to build all of their hatred on people who do naturally fit in, people who do naturally know how to interact with others. people who are naturally likeable. i had a hard time coming to terms with this. i thought it was unfair, and maybe it is. at some point, it has to not matter. harboring anger at others for your own strangeness is self-destructive.
alternatively, there is no one like you. some people are genuinely strange in a way you will not encounter often. are there some truly unique people? are the rest of us just different formulations of one another?
i don't know if that's what some of these people deal with. i do know i used to feel a lot of anger. being an awkward and unattractive person is hard. people don't like those traits, and they will treat you badly. people want to treat you like a punching bag sometimes. people think its amusing that you so horribly fail to do something that comes to them so easily. ive always wondered why i pissed so many people off when i was ugly and awkward.
its also natural to want to fit in. i remember trying to fit in would just make things worse.
anger at the world because you dont feel like you belong in it isnt helpful. you dont have many options when you commit to that view. thats not the only reason its bad though. anger at "others" en masse is not productive. whether you like it or not, you are on this earth with an unknown amount of time you have to spend on it. you can torment yourself for being strange, feeling different, feeling angry you dont look a certain way, feeling angry that people dont like you, feeling angry that you cant be a certain way. ultimately, its out of your hands how others react to you. everyone has agency to behave in whatever way they choose, whether you think its right or wrong. and they will act however they like! i like to remind myself of this as much as possible.
this sounds naive but i just think people should open their hearts more. it can feel like the world is filled with hate towards you but thats not really ever true. there are two thoughts that comfort me: one, that strangeness is an inherent part of any human being, and two, that there is no permanent hell.
i dont know. i also just think its incredibly exhausting to be filled with anger at "people". its also a bit... narcissistic. like you're so special.
i think thats all. i need to eat and get back to work.