to distant lands takes both my hands
ASAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA. fuck my stupid fucking life. I feel like I had to say that. I had to say something funny. I need to write more. but this blog is tired of hearing about that. too bad, I haven’t come to write about anything new. I’m going to complain about the same old things, another December, another year, another post, so it goes.
I had a thought when I was vacuuming the stairs (just as a side note, imagine if someone started an actual story like that in real life to you?). did people of the past feel that they lived through particularly strange times? because I just had that thought. but anything that hasn't happened before is going to seem strange. nothing can happen for the first time twice. its going to seem extremely strange to me because all I know is that things used to be different, but I never saw it, but what is happening right no is definitely super strange, but not really to me, not intuitively anyway.
sometimes things like this get me thinking about where we are going as a species. that thought makes me hate myself; I always have to remember how I have no hand in discovering anything interesting about the world. there is a lot of curiosity to be satisfied out in the world, I just can’t really take part in it. my own mediocrity really irks me. it has been irking me even more, as I approach a certain time period of my life. to be honest I’m feeling that sooner or later ill have to admit I’m nothing special. maybe ill get married and have children and that'll be it for me.
I’m feeling a lot of anticipatory regret. I regret this, I wish I didn’t, I wish I knew better, I wish I could think of a way to pave a path for myself in the world, but I can’t, my imagination is limited in that capacity. I’m too young to be feeling regret. maybe the regret I’m going to feel in the future is so large that it broke the space-time continuum and its developed a gravitational force and its gravitational force is pulling me into it from the past.
a second of reflection leads me to think a lot of my entries here are structured this way. I start with something random and then dive head first into lamenting about my life and how I wish it were different and how I were different. what is going on? this seems to happen when classes are over. during a regular semester I guess I don’t have a lot of time to ponder over things. I think those things matter though, and I should think, I should do something. I wish what I got to do with my life wasn’t so dependent on the reactions of others. you can’t really trust other people to react in the way you want them to. so much is out of my control. its not really fair. there have to be other ways of living. I’m really scared to leave school. I have no idea what to do. when I did something other than what I’m doing all I wanted to do was stop. now I don’t want to stop, but I’m not smart enough to keep doing it and earn a living. I’m scared. I don’t think I’m ready to be a full adult yet. I know I’m not, but I don’t think I will be anytime soon. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what the real world is like, and I haven’t prepared myself adequately. what will I do? is it too late?
I feel so trapped. I feel so limited in my capabilities, I feel like such a loser, I don’t have any faith in my character or my abilities. its not fair. its like being able to see inside a really cool party from a window and you can’t get in, not because you're not invited but because you're too stupid to figure out how keys and locks work. does that even make sense? I want to stop worrying about who I am and I want to do something with my time on earth. I’m really scared to die. I know I probably won’t feel it or feel any way about it once I’m actually dead, but I hope I don’t die before I get to do something. ill be so angry. there’s so much to do. there’s a part of me that does think I can do it. I can do something interesting or fulfilling, I can be happy and satisfied with myself. but I need to make money, and that seems so difficult. who's going to pay me to do anything?
I need to do things.